My mind is like a washing machine; tumbling things around in it. Very heavy things. Wet with ideas, sodden and needing a lot of time with hopefully a gale blowing freshness into whatever those ideas were; a gale that only exists outside with me gone from here! I’ve just asked a boy to join me for a drink.
I’ve actually asked a man to sit down next to me and maybe...
“How long has it been?” Jess asks.
“By my count about twelve minutes,” Sally says.
“Has what?” I ask, not really thinking.
“Yeah, twelve minutes since she last talked,” Sally says, tapping her watch.
“What do you think she was thinking?”
“Oh no! You can’t talk that type of stuff in polite company.”
“No!!” I say. “I wasn’t!”
“She’ll just have to kiss him,” Sally says.
“Yeah. Pop her cherry. The first time can be hard.”
“And messy,” Sally says.
“So, so messy. I bet they’ll be disgusting.”
“Nothing we’re not used to.”
“What do you mean We?” Jess asks. “I’m usually the one watching you go pre-evolution on someone in here.”
“Yeah...” Sally says, and she seems kind of far away. “It’s fun.”
“I’m not some kind of...” I begin before thinking of what I actually am.
“Just raise your legs in the air, girl. You’ll know pretty quickly if you want seconds,” Sally says.
“Oh Jesus, Sally! She’s not going like that on her first night with a guy.”
“You do remember Friday, don’t you?” There’s a look of condescension on Sally’s face.
“This is real now,” Jess says. “Friday night was a teenager discovering they had new and interesting body parts while their parents were away for the weekend.”
“I don’t have those body parts,” I say with a gasp. “I really don’t! What do—”
Jess laughs. “He knows that, don’t be silly.”
“Just use your mouth.”
“I am not sucking his—”
“On his mouth. My god! You might be right, Sally. I’d say she’s calling into work for the next few days and never leaving the bedroom.”
“Do you think he has the stamina for her?” Sally asks.
“Short, stocky? I imagine he’s built with a little staying power. Some very surprising power... Girthy!”
“I feel bad enough already,” I say.
“Why?” Sally asks, all bright and perky.
“I mean, this isn’t... It’s not...”
“Oh shut up, just have fun. You don’t even have to kiss him. We’re just joking.”
“Shhh, Sally, he’s coming!”
“Already!!” I search for my phone to check the time.
Jackson is soon standing to the side of the table. “I bring gifts,” he says. He’s holding a tray with some fresh glasses, a bottle of red wine, a half bottle of white wine, and a small, clear, fizzing cocktail in a tumbler.
“For you,” he says to Jess, putting the half bottle of white in front of her. “And you.” He places the red in front of Sally. “But you do have to share. I’ve seen you demolish one of these all on your own in a single hour, in here, and it‘ i’s a school night. We don’t have that much security on today.”
“Oh, now you have to kiss him, Toni!” Sally says, pouring herself a big measure into her already empty glass and a little less into mine which was still half filled — all the while she’s making little kissy faces to herself as she dances along to the music with small movements on her seat.
“What!?” I yelp. And Jackson seems to have said What? too, at the exact same time. But looking at him it’s more a confused What?
“Oh, Toni was just saying she wants you to be her first.”
“First what?” Jackson asks, a little suspicious.
“First boy she kisses,” Jess says.
Jackson turns to me and looks at me quite seriously. “Have you never kissed a man?”
“Well no, not really,” I say.
He sits himself down and says, “Not really?”
“No, I’ve never kissed a man,” I say, feeling almost like I could cry.
“Well I’ll have to be careful then.”.
“You better it believe it, buddy,” Jess says. “We know where all the scissors are hidden around this bar and if you want to leave here intact you are kind and gentle with our friend, Toni.” I can see him wince when Jess says scissors.
“Duly noted, and always my intention,” Jackson takes drink of his clear spirit.
“So you do intend to kiss her?” Sally asks.
“If she’ll let me,” Jackson says. “If she wants to. Do you want to taste this?” he holds his glass out to me. It’s the first normal interaction I’ve had since I asked him down for a drink.
“What’s in it?” I ask.
“Alcohol. A lot of it. It is extremely strong,” he says.
“You don’t mind?” I ask, reaching out to take the glass.
“No, not at all. It’s why I offered.”
I lift the glass to my lips and give a sniff but I can’t get anything from it. I take a little sip, well, just a small bit more than a little and it’s like my throat and chest have an inferno rapidly tear through them. “Woah, that’s strong!” I say, eyes wide.
“Can I taste?” Sally asks.
“No,” Jackson says.
“Can I?” Jess asks.
“Sure,” Jackson gently takes the glass from me, almost like it was a question if I wanted to hang on to it, but I don’t.
He holds the glass out towards Jess. “
I didn’t really want a taste,” Jess says.
“Why not me?” Sally asks, having a little bit of a huff.
“Because you’ll really like it, get one, then get two more, then we’ll all be peeling you off the floor and I won’t have time to talk to Toni,” Jackson says, and as he does I notice he’s put his hand on my leg. I don’t know how long it’s been there, but it’s natural. It belongs there. I want his hand in other places, I think. Places I don’t have yet. That’s certainly how it feels to me; like I want his hand... Well... Somewhere.
“Go on then,” Sally says. “Talk to her.”
“I can’t,” Jackson says. Sally and Jess look a little angry at that. “I have to meet the approval of the sisters first.” He raises his glass towards both of them.
“He knows how it works!” Jess says.
“My men have never said anything like that,” Sally says, laughing.
“No, because you have terrible taste. Toni seems to know how to pick nice guys.”
I move my hand down to rest it on top of Jackson’s hand on my leg and I cringe looking at them. My hand is almost bigger than his. My big stupid man hands. But he turns his over and intertwines his fingers between mine. I feel like every bit of oxygen is leaving me and I’m melting into a puddle.
“I am honoured to be thought of like that,” Jackson says, and I feel a finger of his break away from mine and begin to gently rub up and down the inside of my knee. I know, now. I want this to happen. I just don’t know how to make it happen but I want it.
I cross my leg over his and my hand, trapping them between my legs, and lean into him. I don’t know what I’m doing but he lifts his free arm and puts it around my shoulders, holding me into him.
“Oh, they’re so cute,” Jess says.
“They’re disgusting is what they are. I’d prefer to see fluids than this,” Sally says, talking a big drink of wine.
“Are your friends always so lewd?”
“Yes, unfortunately,” I say.
“Did you know Jess made Toni cum?” Sally asks, voice totally straight. “A birthday present from to the straight girl. I bet Jackson couldn’t—”
“Please, no, Sally,” I say, closing my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Toni, I’m just letting him know he has big boots to fill.”
“I’m sure I can manage,” Jackson says, seemingly nonplussed.
“You seem very confident,” I say, a little annoyed, and now impatient with, well, the talking that’s happening.
“Why shouldn’t I be?” he asks.
“You haven’t even kissed me yet!”
“I’m not going to kiss you, you’re going to kiss me.”
“Oh no, he’s on some weird pick up artist kick,” Sally says.
“I’m not too sure about that.” Jess is looking at me like I’m an idiot who doesn’t know what to do with the pure, raw desire in me.
And Jess’s look is right. I do want to kiss him, right this instant, but I don’t know how. What’s the right way to do this? I can’t just jump on him. “What if I want you to kiss me?” I ask Jackson.
“You haven’t asked me to.”
“Is it that simple?”
“You’ll never know until you try.” I squeeze my legs tighter on our hands trapped between them. I want him inside parts of me I don’t even have. “You want to be the little princess? Getting everything handed to you?” Jackson says, smiling. And I feel wild.
“She’s so demanding,” Sally says. “Give me this, give me that. She just expects things to be delivered to her.”
“What do you think she’s expecting now?” Jackson asks Sally.
“All of us here know what she wants, she’s just afraid to commit to it.”
“Yeah,” Jess says. “Wants it to be perfect, like a romance movie.”
“Or those filthy books she reads. On the bus, even, you know? That’s what she does! Reads absolute filth on the bus, always imagining but never doing. It’s kind of pathetic,” Sally says, cackling.
“Oh shut up, Jess,” I say, turning to face her, but I can’t. There’s a big Jackson shaped visage coming towards me. I look at his lips, then his eyes. Then I open my mouth just a little and feel him on me. I feel his lips on mine. They’re soft, and smooth.
His tongue is pushing past mine and I moan. I actually moan. I can’t believe it! This is unbelievable. This is everything I could have ever wanted from life. I feel a fire in my chest. Is this what it is?
And Jackson is an asshole. He deliberately tormented me. He went from asshole to nice as we talked and then he came down here and played with me because my friends were watching. And I really don’t care because his fucking tongue is in my mouth, and his lips are on mine, and it’s fucking amazing! I want everything about this and more. I want more! I want all of him!
I part my legs a little to release my hand and reach both arms up around his neck, feeling into his hair. Pulling him into me.
“Oh, this is disgusting,” Sally says.
I reach a hand free and give Sally the finger, I think. I’m not quite sure where the world is let alone where Sally is within the world as my and Jackson’s tongues tangle. It’s like we’re playing games with them, and I smile and I bring my arm back to rest around his neck.
Jackson breaks away from me and I feel a longing, all over. More in some other places. I want his mouth on mine but instead he’s slowly placing gentle kisses on each lip, individually, me feeling his beard tickle my face.
I can smell him and he smells amazing. I can smell his hair. I feel amazing. My whole body is tingling.
I look over to see what Jess and Sally think but they’re deep in quiet conversation seemingly not paying me a second look. No-one is.
This is normal. It’s me kissing a man. Me just a woman kissing a man! This is exactly who I am, I know it! I want to be this forever!
I don’t know why but with Jackson’s head turned a little I can see his ear. I want it. This is so... Oh this is perfect. I want to lick his earlobe; bite it. I don’t know why I just do. And for some reason it’s like I’m purring. Like a cat.
Jackson looks up at me and says, “It’s like that is it?” And comes to my mouth again and all I can think is Oh fuck yes, it is very much like that.
I feel his hand inside my skirt, reaching up the outside of my thigh. Fingers gripping into me. I’m squirming in my seat with desire and I have to do this. This is very much what I want. I break one hand free from behind his neck and move it down to inside his thigh, thumb inside his belt. I want to feel him. To know him. To hold him. “No,” I hear him whisper.
“Oh, yes,” I say back. I raise my hand higher, tugging his belt with my thumb and two fingers pushing inside it, now, approaching where I’m very sure he’s waiting for me. Eagerly waiting. And I want to touch him, to feel him. This is what a woman like me does for the man she wants.
“No!” he says aloud, pushing off from me.
He stands almost knocking our glasses from the table, turns on the spot and is darting away, deeper into the bar.
“Jackson!?” I say. People from nearby are looking towards me.
Everyone is staring at me!
Jess has shot around in her seat and is look at me, wide-eyed. “What happened!?” she says.
“I don’t know,” I say, just barely. My breathing is rapid and I feel sweat on my face. Cold sweat. “I just... He was...”
“What did he do!?” Jess asks, sternly.
But the bar is flashing colours all around me. It seems like everyone is looking at me and laughing at me. I can barely make out Jess and Sally. “I have to go,” I say. “I have to get some air.”
“We’ll go—”
“No,” I say, but I’m not sure if I said it aloud. “I’m just...”
I stand and begin to walk, people seemingly jumping out of my way. I’m down the corridor by the women’s toilet, past the doors marked private and up the red carpeted stairs to Trevor’s Room.
And Jackson is in there.
I stop, deathly still, not breathing.
“I’m trans,” he says.
“I... What?” I say.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t...”
“You want to be... Like me, you mean?” I ask.
“I was a woman. I am a man. A trans man,” he says.
“Oh...” I say, confused.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you. I’ve been with people before, men and women, but they always knew. You didn’t. And I didn’t want you to find out... I wanted it to be, me to be... While you were, you know...”
I stop and consider things for a moment, then it dawns on me. “You said No.”
“It’s not that—” Jackson begins.
“You said No, and I continued. I’m so sorry. I was awful. Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Jackson. Oh my god, you literally said No.”
“I should have been clear with you,” Jackson. “I was being—”
“You were. You were perfectly clear. I went on when you said No.”
“I wanted you to, I did,” he says.
“No. You didn’t. I wanted it, I wanted you, and you were scared when we... When I...” I say. “And I was only thinking of me. I’m—”
“I was coming on pretty strong. I know I was,” he says. “Please, sit down. If you can. Let me explain.”
I somehow move to the couch opposite him and sit myself down. “You don’t have to explain anything,” I say. “I’ll leave.”
“You’ve just sat down,” he says. “And it was wrong of me. I built things up. I came onto you. I thought it was what I wanted. I thought it was what you wanted. I was, you know, trying without having you know... It wasn’t what I’m—”
“It was what I wanted,” I say.
“Is it still what you want?” he asks, but he’s not flirting. This is a straight, open question. He’s not asking anything of me. He wants to know what I want.
“I don’t know,” I say.
“That’s why it was unfair of me. You didn’t know what you were getting.”
“Should I know? I saw you. I liked you. What more business of mine is it?”
“Maybe...” Jackson says. “That’s for everyone who’s trans to figure out, when they’re with someone. And I’m telling myself I was wrong for not letting you know. I feel it was wrong, partly because I was acting wrong, in a way I didn’t—”
“It wasn’t wrong.”
“What would have done? When you found, well, nothing. Down there.”
“I don’t know.”
“No. Neither do I. Do you even like people with my parts?”
“I don’t know that either.”
“Yeah. You don’t know a lot of things. You’re new at all this. You’re figuring things out and I used you.”
“You didn’t use me! I wanted you to kiss me! It was consensual. What I did wasn’t. Or almost wasn’t. If you didn’t stop me. I should have stopped. I’m so sorry.”
Jackson takes a hand and rubs it against his forehead, looking tired. “I used you because when I saw you I knew you were new at all this. Like I said, everyone I’ve been with before has known I’m trans. They’ve known what they were getting into. They wanted it. I used you because I knew you didn’t know. And probably wouldn’t have known unless I was... And I wanted to see what it was like with someone who didn’t know. When I was acting all man. That was unfair.”
“But we kissed, and it was fun. I enjoyed it,” I say. Somehow I pick up the nerve to continue. “Did you enjoy it?”
He nods. “Sort of. It didn’t feel right because I knew I hadn’t been honest with you.”
“Leaving that aside, if you had been honest with me...”
“I probably... Yeah... But would you have kissed me?”
“I don’t know. Probably... I’ve had a lot of firsts these past few days. You’re the first man I’ve kissed.”
“But I’m not a man,” he says. “Or this wasn’t the man I want to be.”
“Of course you’re a man! Look at you!”
“It’s not all about looks,” he says.
“No,” I say. And we go quiet. The moment hanging in the air.
Eventually I sask., “Are you angry with me?”
“No! Not at all! No!”
And we hear knocking at the door with Trevor calling out his usual, “Anyone home?”
“Come in, Trevor,” Jackson says.
Trevor walks in, look of concern on his face, but for who I’m not sure. “Are we all friends?”
“I hope so,” Jackson says, looking at me with a question on his face.
“I think we are,” I say.
“Good!” Trevor says. “That’s what this bar is all about. Finding and getting to know new friends, and learning things, even if your other friends are worried about you, and if the bar staff are worried about you, Jackson. If you could both make an appearance soon so I can hold back the search parties?”
“Are you good to go?” I ask Jackson.
“Yeah,” he says, sighing a deep sigh and setting his shoulders back.
We stand and follow Trevor down the stairs and out through the store room, then around the corner by the women’s toilet.
As we get towards the main room of the bar we’re walking next to each other. I reach down and let my hand come close to Jackson’s, reaching out with my fingers.
“Are you sure?” he asks. “After—”
“Yes,” I say, and place my hand into his grip.
We’re both holding hands as we walk up the bar. There’s less people looking at me than the last time I ran through but I still see a couple of people seemingly glance.
We get to where Sally and Jess are sitting. “See, no need for a rescue mission,” Trevor says to them both. “I’ll tell the bartenders who were worried, Jackson.”
“I should go,” Jackson says, pulling away from me a little.
“No! You said you’d join me for a drink and you still have most of it left.” I pull his hand to the front of me.
“Are you sure?” Jackson asks me.
“Are you sure?” Jess asks me.
“I am certain,” I say.
“We were this close to reaching for the scissors.”
“I think Toni wants me intact, for a little while longer,” Jackson says, sighing. I squeeze his hand when he says that and he squeezes back.
“No. I do not want to take his manhood. And I don’t want either of you to, either,” I say. And Jackson laughs aloud.
“OK,” Jess says. “If you’re OK with this, Toni. But Mr. Snippy is never far away.”
“Completely unnecessary,” I say. “We talked, it was a misunderstanding and now we’re friends.”
“Hrrmm...” Jess says, eyes narrow, still disapproving.
I ignore her. “You have to give me your number, Jackson,” I say.
“Yeah?”
“Of course.”
He takes out his phone and I take mine from my purse.
We’re exchanging numbers when he says, “Can I get a photo with you? For my contact list, please?”
“You may! And why haven’t you two taken selfies with me yet?” I ask Jess and Sally, but they’re still half scowling at me and Jackson even if it does seem to be an act. Maybe more confusion? For once they don’t know what’s happening with me.
“Yeah, that’s what we want. More Toni in our lives.”
“You love me really.”
“And we hate that you know it,” Sally says.
“I don’t mind,” Jess says.
I want a snappy comeback for all that but Jackson has placed his arm around me and pulled me in close, hand holding his phone up in the air while I’m resting into him. I stick my tongue out at the camera and as I see the flash in my face I feel him giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek.
“Do we look cute?” I ask.
“You do,” Jackson says. “I look like a moron.”
“Send it to me,” I say. And he does. And he looks hot and I kind of look OK, not great, but OK, but only because I have a Jackson attached to me. “I look OK.”
“Shut up!” Jackson says. “You’re stunning.”
“Oh Jesus! They’re back to being disgusting.”
“You find your own man to be disgusting with, Sally,” I say, staying resting in Jackson’s arms. It feels good. Comfortable. Like I belong.
And soon the conversation is back to normal, almost, and the hours are passing by with Jackson getting himself a few more drinks and Sally drinking most of the bottle of red.
I’m happy simply being held by Jackson.
I’m back home changed into my night clothes when I get a message on my phone. It’s a group chat with Sally and Jess in it. Sally’s said, “Come on, spill the beans.”
“No!” I message back.
“We were worried. You have to tell us,” Jess says.
“No! You’re not going to guilt me. This is between me and Jackson and it’s staying that way. You can both stop asking.”
“Are you really OK?” Sally asks.
“He was a perfect gentleman. Nothing more is being said on this. So leave it be. I’m going to bed now.”
“Will you be thinking of Jackson in bed?” Sally asks.
“Of course,” I respond. Then add a few seconds later. “And in the morning. Maybe at lunch if no-one’s looking. I mean, wow. That was so fucking good. My toes were curling.”
“OK. Tell us about your first kiss with a boy,” Jess says.
“You missed out on this as a teenager so I think we can cast our minds back to being giggly. And perverted.”
And we message back and forth for a while with me learning a lot about men. There’s even a few pictures from website I definitely bookmark. Stuff I’d never thought of when I was man, or seen — if I was ever a man. Maybe I wasn’t? Not really.
Then the messaging stops, and I lie back in bed with the group chat open, looking at the photos on those websites. Thinking of men. Quickly falling asleep. After, well, thinking of Jackson and me, and what if, and imagining a few what ifs.
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